Sleepless nights, endless thoughts…


It’s one in the morning. Every bone in my body wants to drift into a glorious sleep. My eyes ache and my head pounds with the frustrations of a wasted day. All I want is to get caught up in the whirlwind of my studies, but no part of me finds joy in this endless mound of work. I feel mediocre in a sea of perfectionists. Nothing in my life seems to be going well and on a campus of thousands I feel terribly alone. I long to be in the “real world.” Forget Machiavelli. Forget Kant. Forget “conceptualizing poverty” and academically theorizing politics. I hate sitting behind a desk and reading about atrocities. I hate being on a campus where my only voice comes in the form of academic papers that are graded on a biased scale, where it’s more important that I mirror my professor’s opinions than have one of my own. How can I be a visionary when I am stifled behind books? The highlighter has become my enemy and my frustrations with academia has become my curse. The one course that gives me the most pleasure is the course that will inevitably doom my GPA. I love economics. Yet my brain ceases to function when a math equation is put in front of me. Maybe I’ll get out of this rut… Until then I will continue to have sleepless nights that are filled with far-off dreams that have nothing to do with textbooks or exams. Too bad reality isn’t as wonderful as my fantasies…


My First Time


I’m probably a little behind on things, but this is my first blog post. Ever. I hardly have time to comb my hair in the morning, so taking the time to figure out an entire blog site is definitely a way of avoiding my actual work. Then again, I’ve always wanted to try my hand at blogging. Who doesn’t want to post all of their thoughts for the whole world to view–even if I am the only one who reads this thing. I guess I should introduce myself (as if I’m on a date with my computer screen). I’m a nineteen-year-old college student. I go to a small school in a small town in the middle of the south, the one place I despise the most. How did I end up here? Well, I guess I genuinely love my campus. It’s a beautiful oasis in an otherwise behind-the-times, painstakingly unnerving southern town. I shouldn’t belong here. Politically, I know most people despise me here. I walk around in my Obama t-shirts and flared out jeans. I have more Chucks than heels and I actually think tye-dye is a fashion statement. To most people in this deep South bubble, I’m a flaming liberal–as far left as it gets. If they only knew how wrong they were. It’s not just my politics that sets me apart… I quickly discovered what people mean by “living on the bible belt.” In this town, the next question after asking someone their name is asking them which church they attend. Just imagine the looks I get when my eyes bulge and I respond, “Well actually… I don’t–you know–go to church?” At first people seem confused. Then comes the chuckle, and finally, the oh-so-dreaded, “Oh sweety, bless your heart.” This is a southern woman’s way of saying “Fuck you!” in a lady-like way–of course, you can’t respond with a “fuck you too,” so you just smile and continue on with the pretentious small-talk that is all too common when one lives on the “bible belt.” But somehow, besides the constant, nagging feeling that I don’t belong–I have found a home on my campus. I have friends whom I adore and organizations that I’m so proud to be a part of. I’ve had doors opened up to me that I never even knew existed. I’m so blessed to be living this life–and I’m going to make the best of every minute. So that’s where I’m from and a bit of who I am. I get uncomfortable opening up… this is the point during the date that I would ask the computer screen to tell me about himself (too bad the screen wouldn’t respond). So I’ll end my first blog with this: I’m just a small girl in a small town, but I have the biggest dreams. I don’t want to save the world–who am I to think that I have that power? I just want to help.

Until later, namaste.